Hear my declaration and bow down before it with the full respect and fear that a chrone’s speech requires:
Muffins are delicious and fun in my mouth.
You have now heard the wisdom of me, The Chrone.
Please make your way carefully to the exits at this point. Do not dawdle. Do not linger. Do not panic and crush the rest of the audience by running for the door. I will not pelt you with sharpened muffins that can put out your eye.
You have nothing to fear but muffins themselves.
My first declaration as the resident chrone is to declare Tara Reid to be scary. First, she has weird-ass stomach bolts. Sure, the facts may say that it was just jewelry on an invisible wire, but we all know that it’s really a sign that she’s a robot from outer space.
Second, there’s the fact that Tara Reid is ridiculously freaking skinny, which makes her look like she’s about to implode on herself.
And let’s not even talk about her freaky breasts that popped out the other day. Stay away from me, scary Tara Reid.
There. How’s that for an obvious declaration to start off my speaking series? I hope for more interesting speaking to follow.
Yes, I may be a chrone, but I still speak.
No, I do not have Chrone’s Disease. I am something different.
No, I am not a crone. I know how to spell. Do not taunt me with a dictionary as you are no doubt tempted to do.
My speaking will enlighten and amaze you. Do not be startled, your puny Earth brains will soon learn to comprehend my words without so much screaming. It will just take a little getting used to, that’s all.
Please be patient while the speaking commences. I expect it to start shortly.
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